Cold Feet: The Lost Years Read online

  He looked so content, lost in his creative world. David considered talking to him about Robyn, but didn’t want to disturb him. They’d just wing it. What could go wrong?

  When she walked in the door, arms laden with shopping bags, she looked every bit as jittery about the weekend as he felt.

  ‘Hello, Josh.’ She walked over to the table, leaning in to kiss his blond head. He ignored her.

  ‘Say hello, Josh, don’t be rude.’ David chastised his son, when he saw the hurt on Robyn’s face.

  Josh didn’t look up, but mumbled an unenthusiastic hello.

  ‘They are wonderful drawings,’ Robyn enthused. ‘Is that Leonardo?’ What David didn’t know was that she had spent the afternoon researching children’s action characters, in preparation for the weekend. She was relieved she’d thought to include the Ninjas.

  ‘No,’ Josh replied, making a face. ‘That’s Michelangelo.’

  ‘I can’t tell one from the other either,’ David said.

  ‘I’ll get the hang of them soon,’ she replied, reaching out to touch his hair. He pulled away like she had electrocuted him.

  ‘Come meet the girls,’ David said, leading her towards the living room. Karen tutted in his head.

  Robyn kneeled on to the floor beside the two girls, who were happily bashing the living daylights out of two soft toy rabbits. David sat down beside her and lifted Ellie into his lap. She happily snuggled into him, reaching out to pull the collar on his shirt. Robyn didn’t know what to do at first. Should she pick up Olivia? Her confidence had faltered following the lukewarm reception she’d received from Josh. David nodded towards her, encouragingly, so she reached down to pick Olivia up. There were no snuggles from this twin though. She swapped the floor for Robyn’s head as the new means to bash her poor rabbit.

  David’s alarm turned to pride, as he watched Robyn take every soft blow without a single flinch. She made over the top ouchy noises that soon had both girls giggling.

  David began to relax. It was going swimmingly well.

  Only, of course, it wasn’t. Josh walked into the room and was watching the four of them playing on the ground. He didn’t like this new scenario one bit. He began to wail. With ferocious intent.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ David asked.

  ‘My feelings are hurt,’ Josh sobbed. ‘I’m sad.’

  ‘Come sit here beside me,’ Robyn coaxed, noting that there wasn’t a single tear coming from the boy’s eyes.

  ‘I don’t want you, I just want my daddy. And my mummy,’ he wailed.

  ‘Give me Ellie too,’ Robyn said. ‘I think my head can just about take a dual bashing from these two girls. You take care of Josh.’

  David jumped up, pulling his little boy into his arms. ‘Daddy’s here,’ he said soothingly, sitting down with his son on the couch. ‘What’s all this about?’

  Robyn noted that Josh’s sobs stopped as soon as his daddy’s eyes were only on him. She decided it was time to divert the girls’ attention from her head, so she placed them on their backs on the floor and started to tickle them. They rolled over, bums in the air, squealing with delight as her fingers found their tickle spots. The more they laughed, the more she did.

  ‘Tickle me, Daddy,’ Josh said, deciding he wanted to be part of that fun. He jumped down beside the girls, and began to squeal, before David even touched him.

  ‘You’re doing great,’ David whispered to her. And Robyn thought, I am you know. I’m doing great.

  ‘I’m enjoying myself,’ she replied truthfully.

  An hour later, while David got the girls ready for bed, Robyn was in the kitchen, getting their supper ready. She had called into the local deli and bought pizza bases on her way to David’s. As she wasn’t sure what Josh’s tastes were, she had chopped up a smorgasbord of items, catering to their every possible whim – salami, cheddar, tomatoes, pepperoni, olives, onions, goat’s cheese, spinach leaves and a homemade tomato and basil sauce for the base.

  Her plan was to ask Josh to help her make the pizzas. She felt like she was making progress with the girls. They accepted her into their lives with smiles and snuggles, given with abandon. Josh, understandably, was trickier and more wary. He was older. He remembered a time, in the not so distant past, where he had his mummy and daddy both at home with him. She caught him looking at her at regular intervals from under his long lashes. Robyn’s parents had divorced when she was a kid and she knew only too well how confusing that time could be. She wanted to make this transition with her in his life as easy as possible for him.

  She laid all the toppings out, ready for each of them to assemble on their own bases.

  ‘Would you like to help make your own pizza?’ Robyn called out to Josh.

  ‘That sounds like super fun,’ David said. ‘We love pizza, don’t we?’ He picked up Josh and lifted him up on to one of the chairs.

  ‘Look at this,’ David said enthusiastically. He clutched Robyn’s arm. ’You’ve thought of everything. Well done, darling. Say thank you to Robyn, Josh.’

  Josh mumbled his thanks and David pushed a pizza base towards him.

  ‘Far nicer than getting a takeaway,’ David said to her.

  ‘I remembered you telling me that Josh loved pizzas. I thought he might think it was fun to make his own. I don’t know about you, Josh, but I like to make funny faces on my pizza!’

  She smeared the sauce on to the base, then added pepperoni slices on top, followed by cheese. She then used a combination of tomatoes and olives to make a smiley face. ‘Ta da!’

  ‘That’s stupid,’ Josh replied, determined to be unimpressed.

  ‘Josh!’ David reprimanded him. ‘Don’t be rude. I’ve already warned you about that.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ Robyn said. She felt hurt and silly. She’d spent the day surfing the net, looking for inspiration on fun things to do with children. She should have been preparing for the Dunne Richards divorce. What an idiot she was. It was going to take more than a silly pizza face to make Josh accept her.

  ‘What do you want on your pizza?’ David asked. ‘Start with this sauce. Oh, it smells delicious.’

  Josh pulled a face. ‘It has green bits in it. I don’t like green bits. Mummy doesn’t make me eat green bits.’

  ‘I can take them out,’ Robyn said, and she found herself, fingers deep into the sauce, trying to catch the tiniest bits of basil, extracting them and placing them on a side plate. She managed to get one spoon of sauce without any offending bits in and she held it out to Josh. He looked at it with suspicion like she was handing him a poisoned chalice.

  ‘What toppings do you fancy?’ David asked, holding up the salami and pepperoni.

  Josh shrugged.

  ‘Tell you what, why don’t I make you one, with the things you normally have,’ David said. The tickle-laughter was now a distant memory as the room filled with tension. He began to assemble a pizza for Josh.

  ‘I want sweetcorn,’ Josh said, scanning the toppings to make sure he asked for something that wasn’t available.

  Course you do, Robyn thought. That child is good.

  David walked over to the press and prayed to the gods of the larder, that he had sweetcorn in there somewhere. Jubilant, he held up a small can of Jolly Green Giant when he found it.

  ‘Here! I’ve got some.’ He opened the can and poured the contents into a bowl.

  ‘It’s got green bits in it.’ Josh complained, pointing to the chopped up mixed peppers that were scattered throughout the yellow corn.

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Josh,’ David said, scooping them out. His patience was wearing thin.

  By the time they put the pizzas into the oven, it was Olivia and Ellie’s bedtime. Their eyes were heavy with sleep, exhausted from the fun earlier on. David and Robyn gave them a bottle each, side by side on the couch. Then they crept into the children’s room, placing them gently on to their backs. David turned on their large mobile that hung between their matching cots and, as it circled lazily, it cast animal s
hadows on the wall. The lullaby it played was ‘Clair de Lune’.

  ‘They are so sweet,’ Robyn said, gently touching Ellie and Olivia’s cheek, one by one.

  ‘Unlike my little monster next door,’ David whispered.

  ‘I was a fussy eater too, when I was his age. It’s no big deal,’ Robyn said.

  ‘The pizzas!’ David said.

  ‘They’ll be burnt to a crisp!’ Robyn cried.

  And with perfect timing, the smoke alarm started to blare, filling the apartment, bouncing off the walls. Ellie and Olivia opened their eyes in unison and screamed, their faces red with frustration at being woken up so abruptly. Seconds later they could hear the wails of Josh joining in.

  ‘I’ll take care of the girls. You go sort out the pizza and Josh,’ Robyn said, ushering David out the door.

  He reassured Josh that all was okay and opened the oven, which spat out black smoke into the room. It was obvious that the blackened pizzas were beyond saving.

  ‘I’m hungry,’ Josh complained.

  David stuck on two frozen pizzas from the freezer and gave Josh a rice cake to keep him happy while they waited for these to cook.

  Meanwhile, Robyn managed to get the girls asleep again. She walked into the living room, her face flushed and red. She didn’t look like her usual coiffed self and David marvelled how his kids could unravel a person in only a few hours. That took skill.

  They ate their pizza with little enthusiasm.

  ‘Let me get Josh ready for bed. You open a bottle of wine and put your feet up,’ David whispered. What if Robyn lost interest in him and his children?

  ‘That would be nice,’ Robyn admitted. She’d never wanted a drink more in her life. She was exhausted.

  ‘Say goodnight to Robyn,’ David said to Josh.

  ‘When are you going home?’ Josh asked, ignoring his father.

  Fuck, David thought. His winging it plan was coming back to bite him. Robyn looked helplessly at David. She didn’t know how to answer that. She shouldn’t have to.

  ‘We thought it would be really nice for Robyn to have a sleepover here tonight,’ David said. His voice was high, with forced jollity.

  ‘Where will she sleep?’ Josh demanded. ‘There’s only two bedrooms.’

  Robyn looked at the kitchen longingly. She needed that wine. Now.

  ‘Well, we thought she might sleep in with Daddy,’ David said.

  Josh looked at them both and shook his head. ‘Mummy sleeps with Daddy. Not her.’

  Oh fuck. He took a steadying breath and said, ‘We don’t call people “her”. That’s rude. And you know that Mummy sleeps in her house and I sleep here in my apartment. And tonight, Daddy’s special friend is staying over.’

  ‘I don’t like her,’ Josh said. He emphasised the word with venom.

  ‘Josh!’ David exclaimed. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he apologised to Robyn.

  ‘It’s fine.’ Robyn brushed aside his apologies. Her heart went out to this little boy, who looked confused, sad and angry. She hated that she was in any way part of that. She turned to Josh and said, ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to like me. But maybe when you get to know me a little better, you might change your mind. Because I like you an awful lot.’

  Josh looked sceptical at that statement.

  ‘It’s been a long day. You get Josh to bed,’ Robyn said to David. ‘Don’t push him,’ she whispered. ‘He’ll come round in his own good time.’

  David took Josh by the hand and helped him into his pyjamas before supervising his teeth-brushing. Somehow tonight, he’d managed to let both Josh and Robyn down. The sound of Karen’s tutting got louder in his head.

  ‘I want to sleep with you tonight, Daddy,’ Josh said, when he tucked him into his single bed, beside the girls’ cots.

  ‘No, Josh. Robyn is sleeping with Daddy tonight. This is your bed, with your Ninja Turtle duvet. Be a good boy now. Go to sleep,’ David urged. He leaned in and kissed an unimpressed Josh goodnight.

  A few minutes later, he walked into the sitting room and found Robyn sitting on the couch, legs curled up under her bum. She hit pause on the TV screen.

  ‘What are you watching?’ David asked.

  ‘Pretty Woman,’ Robyn replied. She needed some light relief after the stressful evening they’d just been through.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen this movie,’ David said.

  ‘Well, sit down sir and let’s remedy that straight away. It’s the perfect movie to lose yourself into and forget about the stresses of the day.’

  ‘Was it awful for you this evening?’ David asked, accepting the glass of wine Robyn had poured for him.

  ‘Let’s just say I’ve had less taxing days in court!’ Robyn joked. Seeing how David’s face fell, she added, ‘It wasn’t all bad and we were naive to think it would be plain sailing.’

  ‘It will get easier,’ David promised. ‘Josh just needs to see how amazing you are.’

  ‘We’ve all the time in the world. But for now, I’m so tired, I just want to sip this wine and watch this movie. Can we talk about the children again tomorrow?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ David said. He nodded to the screen, where Julia Roberts’s face was frozen, laughing, as she watched a black and white movie. ‘You know, I never had you down as a romantic weepie type of lady.’

  ‘There’s a lot about me you don’t know yet. I love everything about this movie. It’s basically the modern-day Cinderella. You’ve only missed the first few minutes. Vivian – that’s Julia Roberts’s character, got into Edward’s car – that’s Richard Gere. She’s a prostitute. They’re in his room now.’

  David leaned forward with interest. ‘Why didn’t you start with that sentence first of all?’ Robyn threw her cushion at him.

  David snuck glances at Robyn several times in the movie. She was right, he was enjoying it. As it happened, he could see a lot of Edward’s character in him. They were both debonair, sophisticated, clever and knew how to wear a good suit. He loved the sound of Robyn’s giggle and she had to clamp her hand across her mouth when Vivian said in one scene, ‘Fifty bucks, Grandpa, and for seventy-five the wife can watch.’ He wondered if Robyn had a pair of long black boots like Vivian’s.

  When the movie came to the scene where Vivian walked into the lobby of the Bel Air hotel, wearing a red evening gown, he saw Robyn’s face change. It became wistful and softer somehow. Her eyes filled with tears alongside Vivian’s as she watched the opera La Traviata performed on screen. David’s eyes, much like Edward’s, were firmly on the lady beside him. He was profoundly moved and filled with love for this woman. He gently nudged her shoulder. ‘How about we skip the rest and go to bed.’

  She smiled. ‘I’d like that.’

  They walked into the bedroom, pausing to kiss in the hallway before they opened the door. David ran his hands down her spine, and pulled her in close. Her two hands pulled at his shirt, opening buttons and they stumbled into the bedroom.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about taking your clothes off all day,’ David said, pulling her top up over her head. ‘God, you’re beautiful.’

  And she pushed him back towards the bed, falling on top of him.

  ‘Daddy, what are you doing to that lady?’ A voice said from under the covers.

  They broke apart and looked behind them. There, sitting in the centre of the bed, was Josh.

  Robyn disentangled herself from David and put her arms across her almost naked body. David sat up and said, ‘Josh, what are you doing in here?’

  ‘I had a nightmare,’ he said, shrugging. He didn’t look the least bit scared.

  ‘A nightmare?’ David asked.

  ‘I fell asleep straight away and it was a really bad dream.’ Josh looked at them both and then decided that it was time to throw in a few tears. He squeezed his eyes closed and willed water to spill down his cheeks. He’d become quite good at crying on spec.

  ‘It’s all right,’ David said, cradling him in his arms. ‘Don’t cry.’

  �
�I’m too scared to sleep in my bed. There’s a monster under it,’ Josh continued.

  ‘There’s no such thing as monsters,’ David said. ‘It’s perfectly safe in there. I mean, do you think I’d leave my two girls and you in a room where anything might harm you all?’

  Josh replied, ‘The monster doesn’t like girls, just boys like me.’

  David rocked him in his arms again. He was so tiny, only a baby really. The poor little thing was shivering with fright.

  Robyn walked out of his en suite bathroom, wearing a pair of pyjamas. David looked over to her and whispered, ‘He’s in quite a state. Not like him at all.’

  ‘Shall I read you a bedtime story?’ Robyn asked Josh, reaching over to stroke his hair.

  ‘I want my mummy!’ He screamed, recoiling from her touch.

  ‘It’s okay, Daddy’s here,’ David soothed again. ‘I’m sorry, Robyn, I think I’m going to have to let him sleep with me tonight.’

  ‘Where do you suggest I should sleep?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘Josh’s bed or the couch?’ David suggested.

  Robyn looked unsure and said, ‘Maybe we should just call it a night. I’m tired, David. I had a long day at work and just need to close my eyes. I think I’ll go home.’

  ‘Please don’t do that. Stay. We can go to the park tomorrow and eat lots of ice cream. Tomorrow night will be better, you wait and see,’ David said.

  Robyn didn’t look convinced. ‘I’ll tell you what. I’ll go home and then tomorrow I can meet you guys in the park. You can get me a double scoop of ice cream.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ David asked. He was both disappointed and relieved at her decision. Karen had been right, he’d done this too quickly, with not enough thought.

  ‘I’m sure,’ Robyn said. ‘And we have Sunday too.’ She saw David pull a face.