The Things I Should Have Told You Page 22

  ‘She apologised, Mam,’ Evie replies. ‘She said that she felt bad that she did nothing, that she didn’t stand up for me.’

  ‘Oh,’ I reply. I want to find this girl, Katie, and hug her hard. ‘What did you say to her?’

  ‘I haven’t answered her yet,’ she says, shrugging. ‘I don’t know what to say. I mean, I know she didn’t actually say anything to me herself, but she saw me on my own, every day at lunchtime.’

  ‘Well, you forgave Ann for the same thing and look how much of a friend she’s turned out to be.’

  She doesn’t answer me at first. ‘Ann said that a few of the girls feel bad about what happened.’

  ‘It takes a strong person to admit when they made a mistake,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah. Maybe I’ll answer Katie later on.’

  I don’t give a shit that we’re in broad daylight and it’s the very opposite of a cool thing for a mum to do with her teenage daughter – I reach down and clasp her hand. She pulls away quickly, but at least she’s not scowling.

  ‘Come on, let’s find those wolves.’ Standing in front of the enclosure, we watch the grey wolves walk around. They are graceful, with a quiet beauty, and their coats glisten in the afternoon sun.

  Then one of wolves stops and stares at a lone wolf. It’s incredible but his body language changes immediately and it’s obvious to all that he’s the dominant one. He looks at the cowering wolf right in the eyes, and the subordinate wolf cringes towards him. His tail is low and he has bent legs, ears back and down, in a submissive nature.

  ‘That’s me,’ Evie whispers, pointing.

  ‘It doesn’t have to be,’ I whisper back and my heart hammers so hard in my chest I think I’m going to explode. ‘And you don’t have to be him, either.’ I point to the dominant one, who has bared his teeth now.

  ‘It’s possible to be strong without being mean,’ I continue. ‘It doesn’t have to be black or white.’

  ‘I don’t know how to be strong,’ Evie says.

  ‘Are you kidding me? You are the very definition of strong. You faced so much of this all on your own. Most would have crumbled long ago. And all the time it was going on you were amazing at home, supporting Pops, helping with him,’ I say.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go back to school and face down Martina and Deirdre,’ she replies.

  ‘What do you want to do in an ideal world? What would you choose?’ I ask.

  ‘I don’t know. Luke says I should go back, ignore them, move on. Don’t let them win,’ she says.

  I like this boy.

  ‘But part of me wants to just forget about it all, so maybe I should start school in your place,’ Evie replies.

  ‘I’ve been in email contact with your principal. Several times,’ I tell her. ‘And the school have assured me that they will not tolerate any more of this behaviour. They’ve written to the girls and their parents. There will be zero tolerance next term.’

  Rather than comforting her with my words, I’ve made things worse here, because she looks angry again. ‘You just don’t get it. Have you any idea how humiliated I am right now? I hate that I’m the point of discussion.’

  ‘I understand. It must be horrible,’ I say. ‘But I’m your parent and sometimes I have to do things that you hate. Not because I’m trying to humiliate you, but because I need to protect you, support you. I can’t look the other way, Evie. This is serious. Because of their behaviour, you nearly lost your life. They have to realise that. If we weren’t over here, on this trip, I’d be meeting the parents to discuss it all.’

  She shrugs. But I think she’s at least trying to understand my point of view.

  ‘Look, why don’t we just wait a few more weeks before any decisions are set in stone. We can arrange a meeting with Martina and Deirdre outside of school, before you go back. If that would help.’

  Nasty wolf is at it again. He’s standing in front of lone wolf again. He is staring at him, every facial expression clear. He is telling the wolf to bow down to him.

  But then something wonderful happens. Another of the pack moves over to the lone one and stands by his side, and this seems to give the lone wolf courage. This time he doesn’t cower. Instead he stares back, unmoving. He looks that wolf in the eye and refuses to budge. And after what feels like an hour, but is in fact only a few moments, the nasty wolf backs away, defeated, with one last growl as he goes.

  ‘Now that’s who you are. That right there,’ I say to Evie. ‘You don’t have to back down to anyone, not with the right people by your side. This time you have Ann, Luke, your dad and I, by the sounds of it Katie and maybe others.’

  She doesn’t say anything, but she’s not disagreeing with me either.

  ‘It’s not easy to stand up to bullies. But I’m confident that you can do it.’

  I chance a quick kiss on her forehead. This time she doesn’t pull away. ‘It won’t be long before I can’t kiss you like this. You’re nearly taller than me now.’

  We look at the wolves one more time and I am humbled by nature. I’m not sure that anyone else would understand what just happened. But it feels like a force bigger than us stepped up to send Evie a message.

  I shiver and say, ‘Come on. Let’s go find the boys before they get into any mischief.’

  As we walk back to Nomad, I ask her, ‘Are you glad you came? On this trip, I mean?’

  ‘I’m not sure, Mam. I’m not having a terrible time, but some days are better than others,’ she says. ‘I hate having to wait until you and Dad are up, to get dressed. I hate that I can’t just disappear on my own for a bit. There’s always someone a foot away from me. And we all fart a lot.’

  ‘What?’ That last one has stopped me in my tracks.

  ‘You can hear everything in Nomad. And there’s a lot of trumping going on.’

  In fairness, she’s got a point. ‘Maybe we should rename Nomad, Trump Towers,’ I say and she giggles.

  ‘Or Ninjavan. As in the farts are silent and deadly. I swear Jamie has those ones down pat.’

  ‘So aside from the farts and lack of privacy …?’

  ‘It’s more fun than I thought it would be,’ she admits. ‘And I met Luke in Disneyland Paris because of the trip. That was cool.’

  ‘He’s a great guy. I’m happy you’ve got him in your life,’ I say.

  ‘What about you, Mam?’ Evie asks. ‘Are you happy you came?’

  ‘I can’t believe I’m saying it, but, yes, I am. I know I really hated the idea of Nomad, but now I love it. The simplicity of living in such a small space is quite liberating. I’ve realised I don’t need three-quarters of the things I have at home, that I thought were essential to my life!’ I tell her, making a shocked face.

  ‘Not sure I’d go that far,’ Evie says. ‘But it’s okay.’

  We start to walk back and I feel a sense of achievement. We’re talking. I think I’ve made a difference. I’ve just got to keep listening and watching out for her.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Evie asks.

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘Why haven’t you added me as a friend on Facebook?’

  ‘That’s a good question. Well, it’s like this. I’m your mother, not your friend. And I didn’t want to spy on you. I suppose I wanted to give you the opportunity to decide if you added me as a friend or not. I want it to be your choice.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I enjoyed this. We should do more of breaking off on our own without the boys. You’re great company,’ I say.

  ‘I like it too,’ she replies. She pulls her phone out of her jeans pocket and starts swiping as she walks. I don’t know how she does that. I’d be in a heap on the dirt.

  Then I hear my phone beep in my pocket. Olly, I bet, looking for us. But when I look at the screen, I see a Facebook notification.

  You have a new friend request from Evie Guinness.

  Oh, Evie. I stop and look at her and she shrugs. I hit accept and hear her phone beep in response and that makes us both g
iggle. And right there, all my insecurities about my place in the family just melt away. I’m necessary. I’d just forgotten that for a while.

  When we get back, we find the boys in the back of Nomad, Olly stripping Jamie of his soaked clothes.

  ‘The water raft,’ he explains.

  With Jamie telling us how hungry he is, we buckle into our seats and Olly drives us to the campsite.

  ‘Allo and velcome,’ the receptionist says. He’s in his fifties with a round face and even rounder stomach.

  ‘Ah, sprechen-sie Englisch?’ Olly says, grinning.

  ‘Nein,’ he replies.

  ‘Bitte. Ich bin Guinness,’ Olly steps forward, slowly, throwing in a few hand gestures for good measure.

  ‘Die Taverne ist da,’ he says, pointing to the bar next door and raising a pretend glass to his mouth. ‘Guinness, ja?’

  I feel a fit of the giggles coming on and whisper to Olly, ‘He thinks you want a pint!’

  ‘Nein. Danke. Ich bin Guinness,’ Olly says, pointing to his chest, looking like a chimpanzee.

  ‘Ja. Die Taverne ist da,’ he says again, pointing to the room next door.

  ‘Wohnmobil reservierung,’ Evie mutters. ‘Try that.’

  ‘Wohnmobil,’ Olly shouts. ‘Reservierung. Guinness.’

  ‘Ah. Wohnmobil!’ he answers and opens a book in front of him.

  We peek into it and see our name listed towards the end.

  ‘Das … is us!’ Olly says, at the end of his German repertoire.

  He smiles and laughs when he sees the name written down. ‘Guinness. Is werden als Guinness. Lustig!’

  When he sees our lost faces, he repeats, ‘Lustig!’ and starts to laugh. ‘Lustig!’

  ‘Oh lustig!’ Olly says and starts to laugh. Clear as mud.

  He hands us a map with a circle drawn around our pitch and we are off.

  ‘Your German is coming on leaps and bounds,’ I say to Olly. ‘Das was brilliant!’

  ‘Ha ha. I love how the rest of you help out in these situations.’

  ‘You know what I have an awful longing on me for,’ I say to him. ‘Ein Guinness bitte!’

  Looking at Olly laughing, his tanned face, hair slightly longer than he normally wears it, with stubble on his cheeks, I feel overwhelmed with love for him. It’s like we’ve just come out of turbulence on a particularly nasty flight. The fights and misunderstandings, the petty annoyances, all seem so insignificant now, when balanced with how I feel for my husband, for my family.

  I can’t believe I nearly blew what I have with Olly for a quick flirtation with Philip. My stomach starts to flip, anxiety making me sweat.

  Should I confess it all to him? I mean, we didn’t actually do anything, except for one kiss. Does Olly need to know? Of course he does. I know that in order for us to make it through further turbulent moments, we have to both be honest.

  Any further deliberations are postponed as Olly finds our pitch. We all go into set-up mode. The kids go get water, Olly sets up the satellite and electricity, I get the groundsheet out and we’re sorted in record time.

  ‘Mam,’ Jamie says.

  ‘I think I can guess,’ I answer.

  ‘What?’ he says, grinning.

  ‘You’re starving!’ I say and he nods. ‘Come on, let’s go grab some food and a pint of Guinness for your dad, seeing as he is so desperate for one.’

  Our friend from reception also runs the bar and restaurant and he bellows, laughing, when Olly asks for two pints of Guinness.

  We grab a table and pick up the menu, which is one hundred percent in German. ‘It appears that we’ll all have to live a little dangerously tonight!’ I say to them.

  ‘You just order for us, Mam,’ Evie says.

  Olly and Jamie nod and I realise I may have stumbled across some sort of milestone here. The ghost of ChipGate finally laid to rest.

  Using the international method of communication hand gestures and pointing to the menu – I manage to place our order. I’ve chosen a smorgasbord of food and tell them we can pick at it all – sauerkraut and various kinds of sausages, plus dumplings and some potatoes. I even order chips and tell them when they arrive that I made a mistake. You’ve got to give them the occasional win.

  Sated, we saunter back to Nomad and hunker down for the evening. ‘You’ve not complained about your back in a long time,’ Olly says to me.

  He’s right. I haven’t. ‘Isn’t that strange?’ I say. ‘It’s not hurt me for ages now. And goodness knows it should be, with that bloody bed!’

  I look around the small cramped living area of Nomad. The dining-room table is strewn with cups and glasses and snacks. Olly and the children are all squished close together watching me. There’s the distinct whiff of a sneaky fart from one of the gang and, by the look on Evie’s face, my money is on her.

  I don’t think there’s a place in this world I’d rather be right now than right here.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  MAE

  ‘It feels like we’re back in Disney again,’ I say, craning my neck to take in the magical view in front of me. The castle in front of us towers over rocky crags at the foot of snow-capped German Alps.

  ‘Or on a film set,’ Olly adds. ‘It doesn’t feel real, does it?’

  ‘Walt Disney used this actual castle as the model for the one in the movie Sleeping Beauty. And then again for the castle in Disneyland too,’ Evie tells us, her face alight with excitement.

  ‘I thought I’d out-castled myself this past two weeks, but I have to admit, this one is pretty spectacular,’ Olly says.

  ‘To think I’d never even heard of this place before last week,’ I say.

  ‘It’s a big world,’ Olly answers.

  ‘It’s incredible to me that if it wasn’t for Pops, we’d more than likely have gone through life never seeing this view,’ I say, pointing to Neuschwanstein Castle.

  ‘That’s a scary thought,’ Evie agrees.

  ‘I used to think that Bavaria was a made-up place,’ Olly admits.

  ‘Geography’s not your strong point,’ I smile at him.

  ‘This is my favourite castle, out of them all,’ Evie declares and takes another selfie in front of it, no doubt to send to Luke and Ann.

  We continue making our way down the steep downhill walk towards the village of Hohenschwangau. We parked Nomad there earlier when we arrived from Tripsdrill. We decided to take one of the horse-drawn carriages up to the castle rather than drive and that was a good decision. With every clip, clop of the horses’ hooves echoing through the Alps, it felt like a fantasy come to life.

  ‘I’ve loved Germany, but this has been my stand-out moment so far,’ I say.

  ‘Mine too,’ Evie declares.

  ‘Mine was the water raft. It was super-fast,’ Jamie tells us.

  ‘No surprise there,’ I smile. ‘What about you, Olly?’

  ‘The cruise,’ he replies, with a wink. No guesses for what he’s thinking about.

  ‘The website says that there isn’t much Wi-Fi at our next campsite,’ Evie tells us. Her shoulders sag and she looks like the world is about to end.

  ‘How will we ever cope?’ Olly jokes. ‘But small mercies, it also says that there’s a sauna. And that, Evie pet, has my name written all over it.’

  ‘Don’t forget we have another letter to open from Pops today too,’ I say.

  ‘Thinking about nothing else all morning. Where to tomorrow, do you reckon?’ Olly asks me.

  ‘Switzerland or Austria, I reckon. They make the most logical sense – they are closest,’ I reply.

  An hour later, we pull into our campsite and check in with no problems. We park up and let the kids off to explore.

  ‘Stay together,’ I say to them both as they run off. ‘Your dad and I are going to the sauna, but you have to be back here again in an hour.’

  I watch them walk away and get a bad feeling. I shiver despite the warm sun.

  ‘You look like you saw a ghost just there,’ Olly says, taki
ng in my face.

  ‘Oh you know that feeling like someone has walked over your grave?’ I say to him. ‘Just got a bad feeling for a minute. Are we sure that they are okay on their own?’

  ‘Evie is thirteen. You keep telling me we have to give her some responsibility and independence. Come on, I’ve been looking forward to this sauna.’

  A few minutes later, we are both sitting on wooden seats in the small, hot room and I begin to feel better. The more I sweat in the intense heat, the more tension and stress seem to leave my body.

  ‘It’s like we’ve closed the door on the rest of the world,’ Olly sighs. ‘If we win the lotto, I’m installing one of these in the garage.’

  ‘Oh, yes please. And a hot tub,’ I answer. I close my eyes, all distractions from the world shut off in our little room. The heat is relaxing the muscles in my lower back. I stretch out along the bench and decide that I’ll join a gym when I get home and do this again.

  ‘We’ll sleep well tonight,’ Olly murmurs.

  With reluctance we shower and return to Nomad to find the kids.

  ‘No sign of them,’ I say to Olly. ‘Will we go look for them?’

  ‘Mam, Dad!’ Evie’s voice screams, and when I turn to follow the sound of her voice, I see her running towards us, obviously distressed.

  That feeling of foreboding I felt earlier returns and floods my entire body.

  ‘I can’t find Jamie,’ she says, tears running down her face.

  ‘When did you last see him?’ Olly asks.

  ‘About ten minutes ago,’ Evie admits.

  ‘Where?’ I scream. ‘Quick, Evie, tell us everything.’

  ‘We were down by the lake. He was right in front of me playing. Then I looked up and he was gone,’ Evie cries. ‘I’m so sorry, Mam. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Where have you looked?’ I ask.

  ‘Everywhere. I can’t find him,’ she says.

  ‘Go to reception and get help,’ I tell Olly, ‘I’ll go back to the lake and keep looking.’

  As I run, I shout his name, ‘Jamie! Jamie! Jamie!’

  But there’s no reply. No shock of blond unruly hair bouncing towards me. No cheeky face saying, ‘I superhero robot Jamie.’

  I scream louder, ‘Jamie!’ running all the time towards the lake. I can hear Evie sobbing beside me, but I’ve not got time to deal with that now.