The Things I Should Have Told You Read online

  ‘How can you be so calm about it?’ Olly demands.

  ‘I’m not calm at all, Olly. I’m freaking out that we have a daughter old enough to be kissed like that on a carousel. But, I’m also about to burst with happiness too. Did you see her face just then? She’s happy. She really is.’

  He nods. There was no arguing with that.

  ‘Yeah. Maybe. I’m just worried, because she’s so vulnerable at the moment. What if he takes advantage of that?’ Olly continues. ‘But if you’re sure …’

  I look at the two of them as they get off the carousel, holding hands and giggling. Evie will be fine.

  Hang on – is that his hand touching her bum?

  ‘Quick, we’ll lose them!’ I shout, grabbing Jamie by his arm and yanking him hard.

  ‘But what about the horses?’ Jamie asks.

  ‘Boring. Let’s go find something else,’ Olly declares, delighted that I’m on board his crazy train now too.

  Evie and Luke head towards the Snow White ride. We hang back a few minutes, then follow behind them.

  ‘If she catches us, she’ll go mental,’ I tell Olly.

  ‘If I catch that Luke fella up to any shenanigans, I’ll show them mental,’ Olly answers. ‘What’s so funny? I’m deadly serious.’

  ‘You guys are weird,’ Jamie tells us.

  The line is moving quickly and ten minutes later we are all squeezed into one seat. Olly is going to do himself a damage, the way he’s craning his neck. But at least it’s keeping his mind occupied. I’ve been watching him today and he looks sad, pensive and I reckon I know why. Pops. We’re to open another letter tonight. I think if my dad was about to send a message from beyond the grave I might be a bit off sorts too. He’s doing great, all things considering.

  I’ve never seen a bond as close as Olly’s and Pops ever before. I don’t think that there are many who can say that pretty much for their whole childhood and adult life too, they lived with their parent. I know that Olly’s mam dying played a huge part of this dynamic for them both, but even so.

  We all miss Pops, but for Olly it must be an unimaginable pain. This whole adventure stunt is doing a great job at keeping Olly moving forward. Because I think, if we were at home, he might have flailed by now.

  I can’t help but worry too that Olly will put Pops’ death and his grief in that same box as he has put his mam’s. I don’t care what he says, it’s not natural that he never talks about her actual death. Over the years I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he gets so defensive and upset, I end up dropping it.

  So I watch my husband closely. Worried that he’ll fall apart at any second.

  ‘Quick. They’re getting away!’ Olly shouts at me, as the ride comes to an end. I can feel hysterical laughter bubbling up inside me. What are we like, chasing our teenage daughter around a theme park? Jamie and I catch up with Olly, who is standing in the middle of the walkway, scouring the surroundings. ‘She’s disappeared. We’ve lost her.’

  ‘Would you relax!’ I say. ‘Jeepers, you’ll never survive her teenage years if you let yourself get so worked up all the time.’

  ‘Is Luke going to have Pops’ room when we get home?’ Jamie asks.

  ‘Of course not!’ Olly says.

  ‘Where will he sleep then when they get married? Can I be the best man?’ Jamie asks.

  ‘They’re not getting married, you loon.’ Olly laughs, ‘Luke is just Evie’s friend, that’s all.’

  ‘I don’t get it. I thought if you kissed someone, you married them. Oh look, there they are. Queuing for ice-cream. I want one too.’

  Before we can stop him, he’s run over to them both.

  ‘What a coincidence bumping into you,’ I say. I don’t need Evie to tell me how lame I sound.

  ‘We know you’ve been following us,’ Evie says. Oh oh, she doesn’t sound very happy with us.

  ‘Er … We were just …’ Olly mumbles, then he looks away. He’s … he’s laughing, the fecker!

  ‘Whatever,’ Evie replies. ‘You might as well just stay with us, if it’s that important to you. You obviously don’t trust me.’

  ‘Er … well …’ Bloody Olly snorts laughter, not even remotely trying to cover it up. ‘Busted. It was your mother’s idea. I told her we should just leave you to it.’

  ‘We weren’t following you,’ I say with as much dignity as I can muster, but damn it, I can feel my face colouring up.

  ‘Well, just so you know which way to go next, when you’re not following us, we’re heading to Adventureland,’ Evie says.

  ‘We’re just getting an ice-cream, then we’re going back to the carousel, actually,’ I say.

  Evie throws a dirty look at both of us. ‘Whatever.’

  ‘Bye Mr and Mrs G,’ Luke says and then they are off.

  ‘Thanks for throwing me under the bus,’ I say to Olly, who is clutching his sides now he’s laughing so much.

  ‘I couldn’t resist. Oh I needed that laugh. Your face. Her face!’

  ‘You are both busted,’ Jamie agrees. ‘She’s mad.’

  Olly laughs again. ‘Oh give me one of those ice-creams. I’m banjaxed after all that running around. I’m too old for this!’

  ‘Are we going on the carousel for real?’ Jamie asks.

  ‘That depends if your dad is ready for another equine adventure,’ I say.

  ‘I reckon this is the type of horse riding I can cope with,’ Olly replies and his face is full of merriment and laughter.

  ‘It’s good to see you so happy,’ I say.

  ‘I vote we do happy a lot more around here.’ Olly kisses me lightly, then continues eating his ice-cream.

  ‘Do you think she’ll forgive us?’ I ask.

  ‘Probably not. At least, not for a while, anyhow. But, sure, it’s our job to make a show of her. Goes with the territory when you have kids. Thou must make a show of your children at least once a week.’

  Then a thought strikes me. We might actually have a chance here. Olly and me. Days like today make me feel like we’re going to make it. I’m going to stop over-analysing everything. My whole life I’ve put minute details under the microscope and dissected them. I can’t stop till I’ve everything pulled apart. I need to just accept that we are in a better place. The sex is amazing; I feel alive again. In fact, the more we are intimate with each other, the more I crave him. I don’t think it’s been like that since we first got married.

  But then doubt jumps back into my head. Can we find our way back to happiness again? I throw my ice-cream stick in the bin and spy a bruised peach, beginning to rot. Please don’t let us be the peach.

  ‘Mae? You okay?’ Olly’s voice interrupts me. ‘You were miles away then.’

  ‘Can we be happy again?’ I ask him.

  ‘We’re happy now, aren’t we?’ he replies.

  I nod.

  ‘Can’t that be enough for now?’ he asks.

  ‘Yes, I suppose it can,’ I say.

  We both know that at some point the plaster has to come off, but as we go around and around in circles on the carousel, I allow my doubts to float away in the breeze. We’re happy now and that’s all that matters.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Dear Olly & Mae

  Week two is about to kick off and it’s finally au revoir to France and hallo to Germany.

  I’ve pulled together some phrases for you all to remember. Ich kann nicht so gut Deutsch – I don’t speak any German. And if that doesn’t work, you can say Kann hier jemand Englisch – which means does anyone here speak English? And failing all that, you can just say nothing! Ha ha! Ja?

  You’ll be spending your first three nights in the Rhine Valley, before setting sail on a cruise. I’ve found an overnight one that leaves from a port close to Koblenze and brings you to Stuttgart. From there you are going to Tripsdill Park in Cleebonm. I think the kids might like that one.

  Have fun!

  Love

  Pops x

  Chapter Twenty-Five

 
OLLY

  Should I be worried about the evil eye that Evie is sending in my direction? She has me second-guessing my every move now, I don’t want to upset her. She’s been through enough. But I can’t be held to ransom by my thirteen-year-old either, who thinks she’s in love with the first guy she’s kissed.

  ‘Why can’t we stay one more day and leave tomorrow?’ Evie tries for the fourth time in as many minutes.

  ‘Because Pops has gone to a lot of trouble to organise this trip and like it or lump it, we are leaving – now!’ I tell her. She storms out of our room, muttering, whilst typing furiously into her phone.

  ‘She thinks she’s in love,’ Mae shrugs.

  ‘I don’t give a shit, Mae. I preferred her when she was sad. At least she was less vocal.’ When I clock Mae’s frown, I add, ‘I’m joking!’

  ‘Look, I know she’s being difficult right now. But that’s her job. She’s a teenager and she’ll always push boundaries, try to change the rules. We wouldn’t want her any other way. Being vocal one minute and then being silent comes with the territory too.’

  The size of Nomad never bothered me before. I’ve been enjoying the simplicity of just a couple of rooms. But right now I’m feeling claustrophic.

  ‘There’s no fecking place to escape from the wrath of our hormonal teenager here!’

  ‘You should come hang out in my school some day. I’ve got nearly 1,500 hormonal teenagers under my care. And despite being on several acres, there’s no escape there either,’ Mae says.

  ‘It would be the end of me,’ I say. ‘Do we have six more weeks of her mooning over yer man?’ I ask.

  ‘At a guess, yes. But look, despite all the moaning this morning, she’s happy. And once we get to our next destination she’ll be fine. It’s just knowing he’s here for another day, that bothers her. But you know what? I, for one, am happy to see her mooning over a guy. I’d rather be worried about her being lovesick than worried about her being bullied,’ Mae replies.

  Fair enough. I know Mae’s right. But I’m all aggravated. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves. ‘Ask her to put her bloody phone on silent, will ya? If I hear it buzz one more time with another message from himself, I’ll not promise I’ll hold my tongue!’

  ‘If you push her, Olly, she’ll want to go home to Wexford,’ Mae says.

  ‘So what? You’d not leave if she wanted to?’ I say, horrified at the thought. I figured that the whole ‘we might call it quits at any stage’ promise was gone now.

  ‘I don’t want to go home. I’m having a great time. But if it was the right thing for any of us to leave, I’d push for it.’

  I can’t speak I’m so annoyed. She just throws that bombshell at me, like it’s no big deal.

  ‘What’s really going on with you, Olly? You have been in a foul mood all morning. Last night wasn’t much better. This is more than Evie’s hormones, I know it is,’ Mae says to me. ‘Was it something in Pops’ letter?’

  She hit the nail on the head first time. She knows me well. ‘Did you not think Pops’ letter was a bit short?’

  ‘Well …’ Mae says.

  ‘I mean, it didn’t say much other than tell us where we’re heading to. It wasn’t like the others.’ I know I sound petulant, but I can’t help it. ‘There was no message in this one. I’ve looked over and over to see if I missed anything. Not a bloody thing.’

  ‘Maybe, when he wrote it, he was having a bad day. Pain-wise,’ Mae suggests.

  ‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘So is that it from now on? All the letters are going to be just a few sentences and nothing more? I feel like I’m losing him all over again, Mae. All I have left of him is a few fecking ashes and those letters.’

  And then to my absolute horror, I start to cry. I’m forty years old and have only cried a handful of times in my adult life. When each of the children was born. On our wedding day, when I saw Mae walk up the aisle towards me. God, she was beautiful. The day that Pops died and then at his funeral.

  My head is spinning with so many thoughts. I can’t believe that this is it. I’ll never talk to my father again. Never sit down and watch the football together again. We’ll never drink a pint of Guinness together and make the same joke about saving the family business.

  Mae slides in beside me on the bed and puts her head on my shoulder. ‘I miss him too.’

  ‘One more time. I’d just like to see him one more time,’ I say and the tears start to come thicker, faster.

  ‘Of course you do,’ Mae says and I see that her eyes are filled with tears too.

  ‘I’m not ready to say goodbye,’ I say.

  ‘And you don’t have to. We’ve still got more letters to come. Who knows what they will hold? But Olly, you’ve got to be prepared that they might be short. Try to focus instead on this gift – the trip he has given us.’

  I grab a towel and wipe my face till it feels raw and red. It stops the tears at least.

  ‘And letters or not, you will always have a warehouse full of memories. What you both had is way more than any letter from him now. Don’t forget that.’

  It’s more than I had with my mam, I know that. But she’s part of this too. It feels like I’m mourning her for the second time. Both my parents dead and, while I know I’m not alone, I feel suffocated from the weight of my loneliness. I want my parents. I want Pops.

  Mae places her two hands around mine and squeezes hard and once again the tears take over. Finally, spent, the well of tears dries up and in its place I am left with a feeling of embarrassment about my emotional breakdown.

  The pain felt inescapable, but now I wish I could take it back. This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be strong.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘That. I shouldn’t have let it all get to me.’

  ‘Olly, your father was the wisest man I have ever known. He said to us, straight off in his first letter, grief is inevitable. Remember that. You’ve nothing to apologise about. You earned that cry. It’s been a shit year.’

  How did I get so lucky to have Mae in my life? I want to thank her, but I think I’ll cry again, if I say any more.

  ‘You go freshen up and I’ll grab a couple of lattes from the shop. Then we can head off. We’re all set to go. Rhine Valley, here we come.’

  ‘We’ll be a couple of alcoholics by the time we get home to Wexford with all these wine regions Pops is sending us to,’ I joke.

  Mae looks relieved to hear me joking and kisses me. I need to get my shit together. I’ve a long drive ahead of me – at least five hours.

  ‘As we’ll be passing through Luxembourg to get to Koblenz, we could stop there for a lunch, stretch our legs. That way we can add another country to our list,’ I say.

  ‘Great idea! And once we get to Koblenz, we’ve got four days in the one spot. I’m making an executive decision that you make tomorrow a day of rest. With wine!’ Mae winks at me as she walks out the door.

  As we leave France and see the sign signalling our entry into Luxembourg we all cheer and I find my good humour again. Evie seems reconciled to her fate as a lovesick teenager. She has stopped moaning that we have taken her away ‘from the only good thing in her life!’ and instead we are subjected to lots of conversations that start with ‘Luke says …’

  I must ask Pops if I was that bad when I was her age. Then I stop as another avalanche of pain hits me. Of course I’ll do no such thing. I keep thinking of things to tell Pops and then in the realisation that I can’t, the pain doubles. I know that it’s all part of the grieving process. But … but bollocks to that!

  I’m grateful for the long drive as it’s keeping my mind occupied. Nomad and I do fine in the slow lane, cruising along at a steady ninety.

  I exit the motorway when we get to Luxembourg. ‘Let’s see where the road takes us. We might find a gastro pub somewhere, so we can try eating Luxembourgish food.’ Check me out, Mr Spontaneity.

  ‘With chips?’ Mae winks at me and I marve
l at how far we’ve come in such a short time.

  ‘Get us, with our in-jokes.’ And when she smiles I feel the last of my morose feelings slip away. ‘I’m a lucky bastard.’

  She raises one pretty eyebrow in question.

  ‘Because you’re always there for me. You can sense when I’m down. You get me. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a grumpy old bollocks.’

  ‘You’ve had reason.’ She lets me off the hook. I cannot lose this woman. I cannot lose us.

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I know.’ She smiles and reaches down to switch on a CD. Soon we are driving through rolling hills and green fields with Ellie Goulding serenading us.

  ‘It looks a lot like France,’ Mae murmurs and she’s right.

  We come across a pretty village after a few km and pull in, to park up Nomad. A quick stroll through the main street and we find a small restaurant. Evie immediately starts looking for Wi-Fi.

  ‘Right, so far we’ve had cows’ cheeks, shellfish and half our body weight in French cheese. What do you think traditional Luxembourg cuisine is going to offer us?’ I ask.

  Our waitress speaks excellent English and tells us that the local speciality is a potato dish called Gromperekichelcher. Easy for her to say. She also recommends a pork dish called Judd mat Gaardebounen.

  The pork arrives and is in a large casserole with broad beans and a thick creamy sauce. The potato dish appears to be deep-fried shredded potato cakes with onions, shallots and parsley in them. Both are gorgeous and we all tuck in with vigour. The waitress also brings us a dish called Kachkéis, which is a soft cheese, melted and served with bread. Jamie starts to sing the cheese song and we all join in, giggling.

  ‘We’re all going to turn into cheddar or Brie, the amount of it we’ve eaten!’ Mae says.

  We all munch in companionable silence and with no bleeps from lover boy to interrupt us. It’s nice.

  ‘You look happier,’ Mae says.