Cold Feet: The Lost Years Read online

  Audrey’s Residential Home, Didsbury, Manchester

  ‘When I was fifteen, I fell pregnant,’ Audrey closed her eyes so she didn’t have to look at the shock that must be all over her son’s face. ‘Your father never knew. It is a secret that I’ve carried for decades.’

  Pete’s mouth fell open. His mother had a child when she was a child herself? It couldn’t be true. She was a devout Catholic. Surely there were rules against that?

  ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant for certain, until the night I felt the baby kick for the first time. It squirmed its way around my tummy and I felt both terror and wonder at the life that was growing inside me.

  ‘I told Mammy the next morning. It was a Saturday, and Daddy was out milking the cows. She cried. She begged me to tell her it wasn’t true. I don’t think she really believed me, until I lifted my top and showed her my already swollen belly.’

  Pete could not get his head around what Audrey was saying. He knew that she had no reason to make this up, but part of him wished that perhaps she was going a little doolally and forgetful. That perhaps this was a story she’d seen on TV and was now taking it on as her own. But one look at the profound sadness on his mother’s face as she recounted this hidden past, wiped that silly notion from his mind.

  ‘Mammy told Daddy that afternoon. She brought him into the parlour, closed the door behind her and they stayed in there for hours. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I started to make dinner, peeling spuds and carrots, grilling chops. I had no clue what they would say when they came out. But I was relieved that I’d told them. I loved them and I’d only ever been shown love from them too. I figured they’d know what to do.’

  Pete moved closer to his mother, captivated and horrified by her story. He held her hand as she spoke, in an effort to let her know that he was on her side. His heart splintered as he witnessed the raw pain on her face.

  ‘When they came out of the parlour, I told them that dinner was ready. Daddy looked at me with such disgust that I felt winded. That look he gave me was the very last image I have of my father. I never saw him again.’ A single tear fell down Audrey’s cheek.

  Pete shook his head. He couldn’t bear to hear this. ‘What did they do?’ His voice croaked out the question.

  ‘It was arranged that I go into St Patrick’s in Dublin. A mother-and-baby home. A goddamn hell on earth. On Monday morning, Mammy brought me there on the train. I had a small brown suitcase packed with a few bits and she gave me a tiny yellow babygro, that I had worn myself as a newborn.’ Audrey started to pleat and un-pleat the folds of her green skirt. Over and over she continued this ritual, as she told her son her secret. ‘They told me that I was six months pregnant. I had at least three to four months to stay in that home, which was filled with other girls, from all over the country, in the same predicament as me.’

  ‘And your mother left you there?’

  Audrey nodded, the pain of watching her mother walk down the long driveway was as fresh today as it was over fifty years ago.

  ‘All of the girls went to Mass every morning, where the priest spoke about fire and damnation for each of us sinners. We worked in the kitchens, in the laundry rooms, in the gardens. We all had a job to do. Clean, clean, clean. Always keep the home clean.’

  Understanding of his mother’s need to have a clean home came with these words. He wished he’d known. He would have helped. He would have been less messy.

  ‘The nuns told us every day we were sinners, dirty, used, unworthy of bearing the title of mother. They told us that no man would ever want to marry us, if they knew our truths. Our dirty secrets. Soon, I began to believe them.’

  ‘That’s disgraceful.’ Pete stood up, pacing the room. He wanted to find those bloody nuns and tell them how wrong they were, how lucky he was to have a mother like her.

  ‘You have to understand that for most there, our own families had rejected us. So we had no reason to doubt their taunts. We took our penance. We had brought it all on ourselves.’

  They sat silently for a moment. Audrey took a deep breath and said, ‘It was a boy.’

  ‘I have a brother,’ Pete replied. He felt wonder at saying that statement.

  ‘You have a brother,’ Audrey confirmed.

  Silence again.

  ‘He was almost eight pounds. Healthy, strong, beautiful.’ Audrey closed her eyes and he was back in her arms again.

  ‘I was only allowed keep him for three days. Then they took him from me. A family had been found in America, who were on their way to adopt him.’

  Pete’s mind reeled as each piece of information was passed to him.

  Audrey grabbed his hands and cried out in agitation, ’I had no choice. They wouldn’t let me keep him. They took him from me.’

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ Pete said, putting his arms around her. ‘How could they get away with that?’

  ‘It was a different time in Ireland back then. Just the way things were done – single mothers didn’t get to keep their children. They were almost always separated from them in some way. Our babies were sold to rich Americans. Hundreds and hundreds of them, snatched from the arms of mothers like me.’

  ‘What happened after they took him?’ Pete asked.

  ‘My mother came to get me. I packed my small brown suitcase, scrubbed my face clean and waited at the front door for her to arrive. She came alone. Without my father. I cried when I saw her, and for a moment she held me in her arms. I whispered to her that it had been a boy, a beautiful boy. Then she took me to the port in Dun Laoghaire.’ Audrey’s face hardened at the memory.

  ‘She didn’t take you home?’ Pete was aghast.

  ‘I wasn’t welcome there ever again. My parents had arranged for me to go to my cousin Elsie’s, here in Manchester. Elsie managed to organise work for me as a kitchen maid in Manchester Hospital. Goodness knows I had enough practice at St Patrick’s.’

  ‘So that’s why you came to Manchester. I always thought you were older though,’ Pete said.

  ‘Fifteen. But I was old. I aged years with every day I spent in that home,’ Audrey said. ‘I met your father not long after I arrived here. And we fell in love. And married. You didn’t come for a long time. I believed I was being punished. But then, eventually, you arrived and I felt joy, because I got to keep you.’ She stretched out her two hands and held his head in between them, looking at his face, taking in every line and frown and kissed his forehead. ‘I’ve loved you every day of your life.’

  ‘I know, Mum,’ Pete said. ‘You are the best mother anyone could ever hope for. Why are you telling me all this now?’

  ‘I’ve written to John, that’s what I called him, every year on his birthday. At first, I kept them at home, hidden at the bottom of a drawer. Then after I had you, I found an agency in Ireland that helps reunite adopted children with their birth parents. I sent all my letters to them and they made contact with your brother. He sent me a letter back. Just the once. He told me that he had a wonderful life, he was loved by his adoptive parents and he wished me well. But he didn’t want to meet me.’ The pain of that letter laced every word Audrey uttered.

  ‘That’s good, that he’s happy though,’ Pete said, trying to reassure her.

  ‘It’s the only thing that’s kept me going all these years. And that’s why I’m telling you this. Don’t you see, son? I have to believe that it’s possible to love another person’s child. If that’s not true, then what’s the alternative? You have to love that baby as if he or she were your own. You simply have to. For me, for your brother and for that little baby’s sake. You have to, son.’ Audrey broke down in tears and Pete pulled her close to him.

  ‘I will, Mum. I swear.’

  The doubts he’d been plagued with disappeared. He would love this child, and he would balance his love between little Adam and the baby, exactly as his mother had advised.

  Pete, the worrier, was no longer worried.

  ‘What’s that fecking eejit doing?’ Audrey said, looking over his shoul
der.

  Pete followed her gaze and watched Adam outside his window, jumping and down like a crazy man.

  ‘Has he been stung by a bee?’ Audrey wondered, wiping the tears from her face with her two hands. ‘You never quite know with Adam. He’s a card, isn’t he? Buzz him in, son.’

  Audrey refilled the kettle, ready to make tea. And Adam came running into the room, out of breath, red in the face, gesticulating towards the door.

  ‘Hello, love,’ Audrey said, walking over to give him a hug. ‘How’s that adorable lad of yours?’

  ‘He’s good, Mrs G. But I don’t have time . . .’ Adam began.

  ‘To spare two minutes to talk to your best friend’s mother? Ah here now.’ Audrey replied. ‘I’ve the kettle on, we’ll have a nice cup of tea. I could do with one, I don’t mind telling you. What a day we’ve had.’

  ‘Are you okay, Mum?’ Pete asked.

  ‘I’m grand.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘He’s a good boy,’ she said to Adam. ‘Always worried about his mother. How’s Mary by the way?’

  Adam shook his head and gritted his teeth. Always with a little jibe, this one. ‘You know I haven’t seen my mother in years.’

  ‘Well, shame on you,’ Audrey said. ‘She adored the bones of you. I know the look of love when I see it on a mother’s face. And you know it too.’

  Adam looked down at his arm and remembered her touch, as she soothed away his pain, from the belt of his old school teacher. She had loved him. He knew that.

  ‘Tea or coffee?’ Audrey asked, smiling at the two boys. ‘It’s like the old days, isn’t it!’

  ‘We don’t have time for coffee!’ Adam said. ‘Listen Pete—’

  ‘No time for a drink?’ Audrey interrupted again. ‘You youngsters, always in a rush.’

  ‘I’ll have a coffee, I think,’ Pete said. ‘Maybe some of that nice carrot cake you made too.’

  ‘Two sugars, son?’ Audrey asked.

  Adam looked at them both in exasperation and screamed, ‘Jenny’s gone into labour. David’s with her but she needs you!’

  They turned towards him, mouths open in shock.

  ‘Then why in God’s name didn’t you say something, Adam Williams! You always were a dreamer.’ Audrey shook her head and tutted loudly.

  Adam thought it was no wonder that Jenny wanted to strangle Audrey sometimes.

  ‘Mrs G, see you soon. Pete, move your arse,’ Adam said. ‘Because if we don’t make it and it’s a boy you’ll have to call the baby little David.’

  ‘No way it that happening,’ Pete shouted, picking up speed. History was not going to repeat itself again.

  As they reached the car, Pete shouted to him, ‘I’ve chosen, you know. I want tomato ketchup. Lovely saucy tomato ketchup.’

  Jenny? Adam thought, then broke into a huge grin. Yeah, that’s definitely Jenny.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  The wonky womb and Dr Doug Ross in his scrubs

  North Manchester Hospital, Manchester

  While Adam drove Pete to the hospital, Karen was at home trying to keep the peace between Ramona and the children. She had collected little Adam from nursery earlier and Adam dropped Matthew off, before he went on his search for Pete.The noise levels were at decibels.

  Ramona complained, ’Anyways, I no Mary Poppins. I no sign up for this . . . crèche!’

  Josh and little Adam fired their water pistols at her, with perfect aim.

  ‘I know it’s difficult but our friends need us,’ Karen said, trying her best to calm Ramona down.

  ‘They no my friends,’ Ramona replied, sulking. Karen knew the real reason for her bad mood was the fact that Jean-Luc had not called in two nights running. She was nervous that he was fast losing interest in their long-distance romance.

  ‘You can have an extra day’s holiday at Christmas,’ Karen offered as a bribe.

  ‘I need a holiday now,’ Ramona muttered, as she ducked from another dart from Josh.

  Karen called David for an update.

  ‘We’re in the pre-labour ward now. Just waiting to see the midwife,’ David whispered.

  ‘Any sign of Pete?’ Karen asked.

  ‘No. And she won’t let me leave her. She’s become quite attached to me!’ David said. ‘Robyn will have my guts for garters. We’re supposed to be going to the symphony.’

  ‘I can’t leave the children here with Ramona, she’s in one of her moods,’ Karen said. ‘If not for that, I’d have gone to let you go.’

  ‘If Pete gets here soon, I might just make it in time anyhow,’ David said. ‘Right, I better go, Jenny is waving at me to go back in.’

  David walked into the room to see a doctor with his head peering into Jenny’s vagina. She had her two feet up in stirrups.

  ‘Gosh I’m sorry,’ David said, looking away from the business end of things. He’d seen far too much of his friend today.

  ‘Don’t worry, half the hospital has been in for a look at this stage!’ Jenny said. ‘Apparently I have a wonky womb!’

  ‘Ouch, that sounds painful.’ David’s buttocks clenched in fear at the words. Sounded pretty awful to him.

  ‘Your wife’s womb is tilted, and the baby is also in breech, so all in all, I’m thinking we need to look at a C-section,’ the doctor said.

  ‘She’s not my—’

  ‘I’m not his—’

  Jenny and David spoke at the same time, pausing as they both realised what the doctor had said.

  ‘C-section?’ Jenny whispered.

  ‘Yes. I think it’s the best course of action. Safest for you and for baby.’

  Jenny blanched. She’d gone through so many scenarios in her head about the birth, but never had she given any real credence to the fact that she might have to have a section. She’d had little Adam naturally, surely that counted for something.

  ‘My husband isn’t here yet,’ Jenny said.

  The doctor looked at David and smirked.

  ‘I’m her friend!’ David said indignantly.

  ‘We’ll bring you down in thirty minutes,’ the doctor said. ‘If your husband gets here in time, great. If not, your friend can come with you.’

  Jenny started to cry as soon as the doctor walked away. ‘I don’t want surgery.’

  David patted her hand and murmured what he hoped were appropriate comforting sounds, as best he could.

  ‘Where’s Pete?’ Jenny wailed. ‘Adam promised he’d find him.’

  ‘I’ll call again to get an update, don’t worry,’ David said.

  ‘I’m so scared. And I’m all alone.’ Jenny cried once more.

  ‘Oh no you’re not. I’m here and I’ll go down to surgery with you. If you want me to, that is,’ David said. ‘I always fancied myself in a set of scrubs.’

  ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you,’ Jenny sobbed, tears streaming down her face.

  David handed her a tissue and kissed her head. ‘I’ll be back in a mo.’

  He walked out of hearing distance and rang Adam. ‘Any luck?’

  ‘No. He never went to work today. He’s not answering his phone. I’m seriously worried he’s halfway to bloody Sydney by now!’ Adam said.

  ‘Well, things have taken a new twist here,’ David said. He filled Adam in on the C-section news.

  ‘I’m on my way to Audrey’s now,’ Adam said. ‘I’m five minutes from there. It’s my last chance. I can’t think of anywhere else he might be. After this, I’m out of options.’

  ‘Come here if you don’t have any luck. She’s going to need all the support she can get,’ David said.

  ‘I’ll call you in a bit,’ Adam promised.

  David went back into Jenny’s room.

  ‘Can I have my scrunchie?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘Yes of course,’ David said. He rummaged through her bag and gently placed the soft toy on her chest.

  She looked down at it and said, ‘Why on earth are you giving me that old thing?’

  ‘Your scrunchie,’ David said.

&n
bsp; ‘That’s Adam’s toy!’ She said laughing. When a nurse joined them shortly afterwards, they were both still laughing at David’s mistake. But the laughter stopped when reality kicked in as the nurse began preparing Jenny for surgery, gowning her up and putting surgical stockings on her legs.

  ‘Sexy,’ she joked, holding one leg up to David to inspect.

  ‘Epically,’ David agreed.

  ‘We need to bring you down, Jenny,’ the nurse said. ‘We’ll get you your epidural and anaesthetic.’ She turned to David. ‘And are you coming too?’

  David looked at Jenny. ‘What do you want, Jen?’

  ‘I’ve already had one of Pete’s friends hold my hand during labour. This is getting ridiculous,’ Jenny said.

  David remained silent as she made up her mind.

  ‘I’d be very grateful if you would come with me,’ she said, her voice low.

  He nodded. ‘I would be honoured.’

  ‘Someone will come and get you, to gown you up too,’ the nurse said. ‘Then you can meet Jenny in the theatre once we’ve got her prepped.’

  David leaned in and kissed Jenny’s head. ‘I’ll be with you in a jiffy.’

  Ten minutes later, Jenny was wheeled into the theatre and the nurses lifted her on to the operating table. The anaesthetic began to take hold and they placed a screen over her tummy so she couldn’t see a thing.

  She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the fact that soon she’d be meeting her baby. Soon, she’d get to hold her or him in her arms.

  Soon.

  What if she had to do this on her own?

  Well, if she was going to have to be a mother of two on her own, she might as well get used to it, from here on. She’d manage. She always did.

  The nurse said, ‘Oh look, here’s your very own Dr Doug Ross.’

  Jenny thought, David will love that. He’s probably swaggering in, tossing his long blond hair, pretending he’s George Clooney in ER. She could already picture the smirk on his face. He’d fancy himself something rotten in doctor’s scrubs.

  ‘Hello, love,’ a voice said.

  That wasn’t David!

  She looked up and saw her Pete.

  Jenny started to cry again. Pete came. He was here.