The Things I Should Have Told You Read online

  I sit back and watch the stars in the black sky. It’s quiet, peaceful here. Too bloody quiet, because now I have free rein to feel all weird about what happened earlier.

  How can we go from not liking each other to that? I mean, I’ve actually felt violent on a few occasions. That’s not good. But since we took off on this madcap adventure I’ve seen echoes of the man I married. And it felt right to just let caution fly into the French wind. I wanted to be spontaneous and have sex, for no other reason than I felt like it. To hell with it! I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  OLLY

  We’ve been in the Loire Valley now for two days.

  I think we all felt regret as we said goodbye to the chateau. Mae said, ‘We’ll be back,’ as we drove down the long avenue. This sentiment was echoed by the whoops from Jamie and even a smile from Evie. Me? Well, I’m just glad that Mae is thinking about a future that includes the word ‘we’ in it. I’ll take all the victories, even the small ones.

  The drive down south was uneventful. We took our time, stopping off at the services for a coffee. Door to door it took us just over four hours. And with some relief, somewhere over the past few days I’ve gotten used to Nomad’s intricacies. Here’s a top tip though, don’t leave it to the last minute to hit the brake when driving downhill. Especially when the lights turn red and you have no choice but to sail on through them. Whilst you pray that you’re not about to kill your family in a spectacular moment of idiocy. Just saying.

  Top tip two, if you are planning a bank robbery, you wouldn’t choose Nomad as your getaway vehicle. Zero to sixty mph in about ten minutes, I’d say, is a fair assessment.

  It is tiring, driving a camper van. Far more so than, say, our car at home would be for the same distance. It’s just heavier, I suppose. Mae has offered to drive, but I know she’s not keen.

  Pops found us another gem of a campsite. Domaine de l’Etang is in the Anjou wine-growing region of France. Surrounded by vineyards, our site even produces its own wine, which we’ve happily bought from the campsite shop. As Mae said last night as we sipped a glass under the stars, ‘We’re a long way from home, Toto.’

  Jamie is having a ball because there is a water park next to the campsite, with slides, toboggans and rafts and we seem to be spending most of our day there. We’ve been walking along the river to the local town each evening for dinner. I like Brissac-Quincé. It’s small enough, but has a majestic feel, with its own castle. We even stumbled across a fantastic market on Thursday and managed to buy lots for only a few euro.

  Taking aside the unmerciful amounts of cheese we are eating every day, Mae and I are in better shape than we’ve been for a long time. Since that night – which is now up there with the best I’ve ever had – it seems we haven’t lost our inner teenager. We can’t stop touching each other. And I don’t even mean that in a sexual way. I mean the small, fleeting touches during the day as we pass by each other. I’d forgotten how much a touch can sustain me until an opportunity for some time away from the kids.

  Mae will touch my shoulder as she walks by me. Or walk up behind me and hug me from behind, resting her chin on my shoulder, as we watch Jamie or Evie splashing in the water.

  I can’t get enough of her. I feel like a man freed from captivity. I don’t need a psychologist to tell me that my impotence was all to do with losing my job. I’m self-aware enough to know that I resent Mae’s employment and pay cheque every month. And I hate myself for that. But now, here, it’s like none of that matters. And starved of intimacy for so long, now I’m reacquainted with it, I am insatiable. Well, that’s maybe the wrong choice of word, because that would make you think that we are at it like rabbits. Which, of course, we’re not, because we are in a camper van with two children sleeping a few feet from us. But now I feel that with every touch, however fleeting, there’s a promise of more to come.

  I also know that no matter how much I hate ‘talking’ we’re going to have to do it at some point. I’m not stupid. I know that all we’ve done is place a plaster on a deep wound that needs stitches. I’m not sure when surgical intervention will happen, but for now Mae seems happy with the plaster too.

  ‘You ready for this?’ Mae asks, interrupting my thoughts.

  ‘No. Not even remotely. Last time I was on a horse I almost broke my neck. Cannot believe that Pops is insisting on this!’ I say.

  Mae starts to laugh. She thinks it’s hilarious. It’s okay for her, though. She grew up horse riding, galloping around fields in Wexford for years as a child. We’ve found a local trekking company who will collect us from our campsite and take us to the stables. I have done everything in my power to avoid this day, but none of them will hear of me missing it.

  We get a warm welcome from our instructor when we arrive at the stables. The day kicks off with a talk about what to expect, what not to do during the day. For me it’s quite simple. Do not fall off the horse, Olly Guinness. That’s the only thing I need to remember.

  ‘So now we go meet ze horses for ze day. Alors,’ the bubbly instructor says. Her name is Elizabeth and she is of indeterminate age with weathered, tanned skin. I’m guessing in her fifties.

  The children meet their ponies first of all, excitement oozing from them. Jamie gets a jet-black pony, which pleases him, called Paris.

  ‘Paris is, how you say, très doux? Gentle, non? He’ll take care of you,’ Elizabeth tells Jamie, who impresses us by jumping up on his back with little help from anyone.

  Elizabeth adjusts his stirrups and declares him all set. Evie, then, is handed a white horse, called, you guessed it, Snow White.

  ‘You need to be firm with Snow, because she can be très lazy. But once you show her you are ze boss, you will be fine,’ Elizabeth tells Evie, who clambers up, albeit a little less gracefully than Jamie.

  Mae is next and her horse – grey, tall and majestic-looking – answers to Lumière. Without any help, she puts her foot in the stirrup and heaves herself up into the saddle, in seconds.

  ‘Ah bien, you ’ave done this before,’ Elizabeth says, with approval. Wait till she gets a load of me, I think.

  My horse arrives, chocolate-brown, shiny coat, rippling muscles, black eyes and white socks. ‘La majestic Beau. He will take good care of you,’ Elizabeth says to me and indicates to me to jump up. Considering the fact that Beau seems only average height, I have a hard time swinging my leg over his back. He turns his head and looks at me with his piercing eyes. I swear that bloody horse is laughing at me.

  ‘Hold onto the saddle to help pull yourself up,’ Mae says cheerfully.

  I bite my tongue. Our new truce could come to an abrupt end any second if I respond to her advice with the two words that have sprung to my head. I try again, giving it all my strength, and once more fail, falling back on my feet. Damn all those French baguettes and chunks of Brie. My stomach seems to be spilling out over my jeans.

  ‘Look, I can stay here while you guys go on yourselves,’ I say in a vain last-ditch attempt at dodging the equine bullet. ‘I’m not that pushed.’

  But, of course they won’t hear of it. Nonsense about sticking together and all that malarkey thrown at me by one and all.

  ‘Do not worry, Monsieur Olly. We have ze step for ze less-abled riders,’ Elizabeth says with a patronising smile. Herself and the majestic Beau are taking the piss.

  A step appears toute suite and I feel like a right fecking eejit. It’s third time lucky thankfully and I’m up. For a horse that seems quite small from the ground, now I feel like I’m at a dizzying height.

  Pops, you are pushing me this time.

  Elizabeth jumps up on her horse and we are off – a convoy, of sorts. Mae first, then Evie, Jamie and last of all me. At first it seems okay, the horses seem to know their way well enough. At a guess they’ve done this route quite a few times. I’m just beginning to relax when Beau decides that he wants to go up front. This horse is strong! He starts moving up, overtaking the children and then Mae, one b
y one.

  ‘Go, Dad!’ Jamie shouts, thinking I’m getting brave and speeding up on purpose.

  ‘Ah, Beau is quite ze character. You must show him who is ze boss,’ Elizabeth says.

  Just exactly how am I meant to do that? I think, with irritation.

  But the gods are kind. He seems happy enough now he’s up front and he slows down to a gentle walk.

  ‘Zat is good,’ Elizabeth praises me.

  As if I had anything to do with it! I’m at Beau’s mercy. And I swear to God, he is playing with me.

  ‘How you doing?’ Mae trots up beside me, her hair bouncing like she’s in an advert for shampoo or something. Is she mad? Trotting up like that could send Beau into a complete panic.

  ‘Isn’t it just the most wonderful feeling? Look at that view,’ Mae declares, throwing her arm around her like a lunatic.

  ‘View? I can’t look at anything but Beau’s neck and my hands clasping on for dear life!’ I say.

  Mae laughs, thinking I’m joking.

  My fingers keep fumbling on the reins. They feel strange in my hands and awkward. Beau has this thing he does where he half-turns his head and peers at me and it’s freaking me out.

  ‘How are the kids getting on?’ I ask, feeling a bit guilty that I’ve not been doing the father thing. I can’t risk turning to look – I reckon I’d fall.

  ‘They are both pros, like they’ve done it their whole life,’ Mae says.

  ‘I don’t think I’m naturally coordinated for horse riding,’ I admit.

  ‘You are trying too hard,’ Mae says. ‘Try to relax, then Beau will too. Sit deeper into the saddle, use your knees to keep balance and look up. I promise you that you will feel more secure in the saddle by looking ahead as opposed to looking down.’

  I’m not sure I believe her but nothing can be worse than how I feel, so I look up and see that we’re rambling through an orchard.

  ‘How does that feel?’ Mae asks. ‘Just try to move with Beau. Don’t fight his natural rhythm, mimic it.’

  I nod and attempt to do as she says.

  ‘Aahhh …’ I scream for dear life. Beau has ducked down with no warning and I’m face down on his neck.

  ‘Oh, naughty Beau,’ Elizabeth laughs. ‘’E ’as stopped for ze apples!’

  ‘Aw,’ Evie says, ‘He’s hungry.’

  ‘What are you doing down there for, Daddy?’ Jamie asks.

  ‘Pull yourself back up into the saddle,’ Mae says, being helpful again.

  One more word from them and I’ll … damn it, Beau!

  I’m not sure how, but I manage to pull myself upright again. I think I may have pulled a muscle in my groin. I need a drink.

  We continue on and Beau, the little shit, behaves himself – more or less. The approach to the chateau elicits gasps from everyone. I chance having a look around me and have to admit that it’s stunning. Stone turrets adorn either side of the chateau, giving it a fairytale appearance. Manicured gardens are resplendent in front of it and framing it from behind are rolling hills of vines.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ I hear Evie say. ‘Just like the Beauty and the Beast castle.’

  We follow Elizabeth to the stables, where two young boys are awaiting us. I jump down from Beau far quicker than I mounted him. I feel like I should kiss the ground, such is my relief that I’ve gotten this far with no broken bones. Just a shattered dignity, I suppose. I got off lightly. The horses, now tethered, are slurping water in the shade.

  ‘Now we eat,’ Elizabeth says, and we all follow her towards the chateau. ‘We will go to ze secret garden. Très jolie!’

  Now that I’m on firm ground my humour begins to return and I realise that I’ve worked up quite an appetite. The garden is, as advised, beautiful, and a table is laden with the usual French luncheon. We feast on crusty baguettes and cold meats, cheeses, olives and tomatoes. Wine appears too, which I decide to accept. I’ve earned a glass.

  Once lunch is finished, we explore the grounds for thirty minutes before heading back to our steeds.

  ‘Would it be awful if I got a taxi home?’ I whisper to Mae.

  Her face explodes into laughter. ‘You are that scared?’

  ‘I’m telling you, that horse has it in for me. Did you see how he tried to bite me earlier?’ I say.

  ‘He was nuzzling you! Honestly, Olly, you are being a baby. The kids will be so upset if you don’t come back with us. Remember what your dad said. Take a risk!’

  No escape. Right, shoulders back, Guinness, time to slay this dragon. Or, at least this horse. But the second I walk over to Beau, he turns around and bares his teeth at me.

  ‘See that?’ I shout to Mae, but she’s got her back to me, helping Jamie up onto his horse.

  I’m not sure how, maybe it’s the help of two large glasses of red wine, but I manage to jump up in the saddle without too much trouble.

  ‘Look at you!’ Mae says, with approval. ‘No stopping you now.’

  I can do this. I just need to show Beau that I’m the boss. I am master of all equine-related skills, I tell myself.

  ‘We might try ze slow trot on ze way home, non?’ Elizabeth says to us all, and everyone nods with enthusiasm.

  ‘Why not,’ I say to her.

  So we head away from the chateau towards the orchard again and I start to feel more confident. My balance has definitely improved. I’m even checking out the rolling French countryside as we go along.

  ‘Now we trot,’ Elizabeth shouts and she takes off. Evie and Jamie are bobbing up and down on their horses like they’ve done it for years and Mae, of course, looks like a pro.

  I feel like my bollocks are about to break in two.

  Beau has started to pick up speed and I have no option but to grit my teeth. The thought crosses my mind that now that I’ve finally got a sex life again, this ‘ride’ is going to kill it forever more.

  Then Beau jumps to the left – something’s spooked him and he takes off in a gallop. I hang on and try my best to pull on the reins to slow him down, but the fecker is ignoring all my efforts and stubbornly moves faster, passing Mae, Evie, then Jamie.

  ‘Look at Dad go!’ I hear Evie say.

  ‘Help!’ I shout.

  ‘What did he say?’ Mae asks.

  I keep pulling on the reins, but it makes no difference whatsoever.

  ‘Slow down, Olly. Pull on ze reins firmly,’ Elizabeth shouts behind me.

  ‘I’m trying!’ I shout back, but on Beau goes, at breakneck speeds.

  I run through my options. Cling on as I’m doing and take my chances that he’ll slow down. Or bail out at this speed and hope that I land in one piece. I try to stay calm, but it’s not working. The faster he goes, the more I panic.

  For feck’s sake, Pops, this better not be how it all ends up. I can finally see a chink of light, that maybe we can find our way back out of this godforsaken black tunnel we’ve been in for months. Don’t tell me that after all we’ve been through, I’m going to break my fecking neck on this horse.

  ‘Don’t move forward in ze saddle,’ Elizabeth shouts beside me, her face a blur. ‘You must pull Beau’s head up to slow him down.’

  Right, you little bastard, no more Mr Nice Guy. I’ve got way too much living to do yet. I lean back and use all my might to pull on the reins and he begins to ease up. Little by little, he’s slowing down. I keep the pressure on the reins and then finally we are at a standstill.

  ‘Well done, Monsieur Olly. You ’ave done très bien,’ Elizabeth praises me.

  ‘I ’ave just had ze fecking heart attack,’ I say back to her, mimicking her accent.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Mae asks. I swear, if she’s laughing at me now I’ll explode, but she’s only got concern on her face.

  ‘Wow, Dad, that was so cool. You were like a superhero,’ Jamie says and I start to feel mollified.

  ‘Well, it was nothing,’ I say, shrugging.

  ‘It was super-fast, Dad,’ Jamie says. ‘I want to go that fast.’

  ‘We
vill just walk back. No more super-fast,’ Elizabeth says.

  Thank goodness for that!

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  EVIE

  The happiest place in the world. Disneyland. And we’re here.

  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jamie so excited in my whole life – and that’s saying something, because he spends his life bouncing about like a puppy. But when we walk through the entrance and see Sleeping Beauty’s castle at the end of Main Street USA, I’m not sure whether I’m going to laugh manically or cry. I’m as bad as him.

  I am hit with so many emotions at once. Joy, excitement and, at the same time, I feel so overwhelmed. It’s such a strange feeling because I’ve dreamt of going to Disney for years and now, standing here looking down to the castle, it’s like I’m going to visit an old friend.

  That’s the lamest thing ever, I know that, but it’s a powerful, emotional hit. I stand for a moment because I want to commit it to memory. Then, I can’t help it, I need to start experiencing everything straight away.

  ‘Slow down!’ Dad shouts at me and I realise that I’m sprinting towards the castle.

  ‘Stick together, only rule, okay?’ he says. ‘No running off on your own!’

  ‘I want to go to Space Mountain!’ Jamie says, pulling at his arm.

  ‘He’s surprisingly strong for a little fella,’ Dad says to Mam.

  She laughs, pulling Jamie to a standstill, and tells him, ‘We’ve fast passes booked for that later on. We planned all of this last night, remember? Our first one is in five minutes, so we better get going to the Toy Story ride now.’

  ‘We’ll come back to the castle on the way to Tomorrowland,’ Dad promises.

  ‘It feels like Christmas morning and my birthday all wrapped up into one,’ I say and then a realisation hits me. I’m happy. The past couple of days in France have been good. I’m having fun!

  ‘I know, it’s great, isn’t it?’ Mam says. ‘Come on, let’s all wear Mickey and Minnie ears.’